Dear reader , I’m sorry I have not been myself this month. As many of you know a dear friend of mine had his child brutally murdered in May. I have not been able to process this death. I had known his son Jack since he was three. The death of anyone is tragic. Especially a child. I have no words to make it better for anyone. The fact that Jack was murdered by his own mother who then took her own life makes this incredibly hard After losing my 17 year old in 2013 I can’t imagine raising the life of anyone’s child much less my own. There is a lot of evil in our world right now and this act is at the top of the list. I will be back to blogging soon I just need a little time. Thank you for understanding.So many in our small community have experienced loss in the last year. Wanted to share this poem from Montana Sean Brown’s page.
What is Normal after your child dies?Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, X-mas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Passover.
Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything anymore.Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if’s & why didn’t I’s go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Montana’s age. And then thinking of the age he’d would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your “normal.”
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs’s memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit’s the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Montana loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, Montana.Normal is making sure that others remember him.Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.NOTHING.Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare.Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. Normal is not listening to people make excuses for G-d.“G-d may have done this because…”I know Montana is in “heaven,” but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving father.Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Montana is dead.And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.
Normal is asking G-d why he took your child’s life instead of yours and asking if there even is a G-d.Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never “really” get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it “better.”Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You’ve learned it’s easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it’s probably never going to get any better — ever.And last of all…Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal.”